Autism: Did you say xoo?!

Today I want to talk about the why’s of autism. The symptoms we see that are “typical” of autism, but that the general population may not understand. 

Number 1: change. Change is a biggy in the autism community, one of autism’s most common difficulties, but why? Somewhere I heard: “if you experience anxiety, multiply that by 10 and that’s about how someone with autism feels.” I find that very true. The extreme reactions to change we get out of autistic individuals stem from insanely high anxiety levels that are biologically engineered in our brains because of our autism. We constantly feel out of control. We are trying to communicate in fluent sentences, read facial expressions properly, censor blunt thoughts into nice responses, calm overwhelming sensory experiences, and whatever else our brain decides to throw at us. On top of that, our brains cycle so, so fast that it can be hard to remain in touch with reality. 

Picture this, I just had an unnerving conversation with an adult whose face looked like she was the principal from Matilda. I immediately picture all the mean things Ms. Trunchbull did in the movie, psyching myself out for the conversation. Stuttering on my responses and unsure how to act, I leave the conversation almost in tears. As I’m walking down the school hallway, I’m yelled at to get to class. Ouch, my ears! Why was I not to class yet? I honestly don’t know. I’ve lost track of time and place as I think about Ms. Trunchbull. My mind is spinning and I am completely absorbed in my thoughts. Think about something else, Kloey! I walk down the hallway, finally moving past my Trunchbull encounter only for my brain to be absorbed in another thought. Buckle up as we take a look inside my brain; this is an actual train of thought I have had.  

On the bus ride to school that morning, I saw the emergency EXIT sign. .  

“EXIT. Hmmm, exit. Exeunt. Why does Shakespeare use exeunt in his plays? Old English, I really hate old English. What about Ezit? That is how it should be spelled. Wait!…Why do we have the letter “x” at all? Xylophone has a “z” sound at the front, as does xenon, so we don’t even use the letter x! So then, how did we decide to spell the word zit with a “z” when it just as well could be x-i-t, xit. Wait, who got the power to decide how to spell words in the first place? Can you imagine xoo for zoo? I love the zoo, if it's 75 degrees or under…”

After that train of thought, or rather, 8 trains of thought, I relived my 3rd-grade school trip to the Columbus zoo, or shall I say xoo, where one of my friends cracked their iPod. 

At any given time, this could be the reason I was late for class. As someone with autism, our brains are easily put off course, and there is no such thing as a simple thought. One thought leads our brain to another and another and another. This is exacerbated by our visual thinking. Say the word “bird” and now my brain is pulling up every visual image of a bird I have ever seen. A cartoon doodle, a picture of a bird from my friend’s phone, a textbook picture, an old photograph, the bird on the swing set last Tuesday, the bird my cat caught 2 summers ago… This is the reason why sometimes when you ask a question, we take 30 seconds to respond; we have to sift through long trains of thought before we can even begin to let our brain process what our ears heard. 

•                                                      -                                                         -

Continuing with the story, I am still trying to get to my next class. I find myself hoping that teachers in the hallway don’t think I’m a juvenile delinquent. I’m terrified of breaking rules, let alone becoming a juvenile delinquent! Finally, I arrive to my classroom only to find a note that says: “English 1010 is outside today.” Why are they outside?! I cannot fathom it, we are always in the classroom at this time. I do not like change. Even though I found my class, I cannot participate once outside. With all the anxiety, crazy thoughts, bright hallway lights, and confusion it took to get to class, the discomfort of it being in a new place was the final straw. My brain is in overdrive, the sun is too bright, my peers are being too loud, and I fade into shutdown...

•                                                           -                                                          -

I hope that with this description you can understand what it is like to live inside an autistic brain. It is fast, chaotic, and too often, uncomfortable and scary. Even when our senses betray us and our thoughts run wild, our brains can handle a lot. But once they are pushed beyond their breaking point, little things like classroom changes can cause substantial reactions needing lengthy recovery times.

August 22, 2024